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love and pain again  
03:36am 13/12/2009
Well today has been better. I seem to be more nervous after waking up I want to change that. Its been good to write all my thoughts and get them out there and leave them where they should be. I am learning not to focus on every thought that comes into my head. I did it just now and chose to ignore it and continue writing and think of what I want to write about. I didnt have to say anything I just shifted my focus away from the thought that was getting me anxious and thought no I am not going to play with that.

I have learnt a couple of things today and they are that I can spend a lot of time worrying about the the things I cant change and waste a lot of time and energy. Altho I have lost a couple of kilos so its not all bad - lol. At least I have my sense of humour. The other thing is that I cant change my love's responses but I can change the way I respond to those.

Whats the point of worrying about things I cant change? Its a waste of time, effort, energy and its not good for me - especially my heart where the burning sensation has been. The worrying isnt going to change anything - well actually it will - it will change me - for the worse.

I can change my response to my love or anyone else for that matter. I have realised that I have regressed into a people pleaser again in an effort to try and keep the relationship. This will not be good for the relationship if I am a chameleon. I am hidden and my love does not see the real me and nor does anyone else. However its easier said than done when its someone you love.

I am doing my best to not hide - especially from my love, they mean too much to me. But I need to stop being a people pleaser. This doesnt mean I dont want my love's happiness but I dont want them or anyone to affect me so much that I turn in to a mass of quivering jelly. Its been better today and I havent done that with their text messages today. So I feel good about that.

Its also about my issues of being alone and I dont feel so alone at the moment having got support from a few different friends including a new one. I dont feel so alone in myself either. I am loving myself especially that I am working through this I am proud of myself and learning to be kind to myself as I would to someone else in my position.

Its all a journey and I am glad I wrote about it in the previous 2 posts. Its about me digging deeper into myself and affirming myself and being a lover of me. Being my own lover - might sound weird but its true - we are complete in ourselves we dont need someone to complete us. They can add to us for sure but not complete.

Looking forward to tomorrow being a day where I choose to ignore all the thoughts that arent beneficial to me.

Thanks for reading and following my latest posts
mood: contemplativecontemplative
tags: love, thoughts
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love and pain continued  
02:10am 12/12/2009
I wake up after talking to a friend online last night and felt good for about 20 seconds until I thought of my love again. Why does this person evoke such a bodily and mental reaction. I literally tremble and feel very nervous. I am fine when I take my mind of them and I feel like I have to literally push them out of my mind and consciously focus on something else.

Last night I spoke to someone about learning to distance my thoughts and its really difficult to do this with my thoughts about them. Like while I am writing this I feel really nervous in my arms and my whole body but especially in my heart and arms and legs and I'm concentrating on writing and that helps to shift my focus somewhat. I am doing this as a concerted effort to tune in to something else.

I spoke to this friend about where I was at and we talked about strategies to distance oneself from ones thoughts. I was so focused on all this while I was talking to them that I was really fine and happy. My focus had shifted.

I feel like this is really touching the issues that I have felt unloved and its really has been getting some airplay in my mind and my counsellor suggested a while back that the reason I might be dealing with this is that I am actually ready to deal with it.

I am actually being loved deeply by this person and its been hard to accept. I have always been a deeply feeling person and for that reason its hard to deal with being overwhelmed - not impossible but it does make it mentally exhausting. I have upped my meds and I feel like I wanna up them again.

This person has another partner and I have also felt neglected in the physical sense as they have spent more time with them of late and my relationship hasnt been fully realised we have only spent a night together. I appreciate I am the new kid on the block as it were and it takes time to organise time together. I know that its going to work out in the long run I just want to be with this person as I adore spending time with them. I also feel that its about my self esteem and insecurities.

Just feeling better as I focus on this - not as nervous - in a way its like I am distancing by looking at this analytically.

Its been hard as we have talked of sexual and sensual things we'd like to do and then its like this person is more reserved in person. Yet we woke in the night and had a lovely time being sensual with one another but they have expressed that wasnt what they would normally do on a first date. This had me thinking they want to cut back even further in terms of touch and that is me panicking and thinking that we wont be able to do anything. We have a really deep connection emotionally and mentally and spiritually. We both came from the same church that devastated us both although we werent involved with each other at that stage. I did have a crush on them at that stage tho.

This person has pointed out that cos I moved many times (I went to 7 primary schools and I was a very shy person and it took me ages to work up the courage to make friends - plus I was deaf and that didnt help when I was amongst so many hearing people that could converse effortlessly) that its no wonder I often think of my relationships being whisked away at any moment. I think they have a point there. Also I didnt have many friends I was picked on and bullied and coming from England I didnt understand the culture of Australia at that stage. I felt that all the stirring and teasing was very cruel - I took it personally in a big way especially as I was being picked on and bullied in conjunction with that - I just associated it all with the same thing. I realise I was a target cos of the way I was - unfortunately I couldnt help being who I was as a child. My parents didnt know how to deal with a deaf kid and they didnt know I was so emotionally volatile that simple things upset me so. Being a HSP - (Highly Sensitive Person) isnt easy for me I wish I could be less uptight.

I guess I am having trouble relaxing with this relationship its different to anything I have had and and I feel like I am working so hard to make sure I dont lose it and I know I have to settle down. I think that as time goes on it will get better. I am speaking that into being as a visualisation. Saying what I want. I also have to keep in mind that as much as we have a deep connection things may not work out and I will have to accept that if that arises. Its bumpy at the moment and I am the sort of person that doesnt like arguments and I know thats less likely to happen as we both are HSP.

Its such and emotional time I have needed hugs and cuddles and I am appreciative of those that can give me this.

I also think I need to have another partner that I can balance myself out with so that it puts this relationship into perspective so that I am not sitting around waiting for them to be free for me. This is the thing too its like we have both held back and also we have been so deeply in conversation we forget to organise things. We both love deep conversation and its easy to get lost in that. I also think I want another person so that I am not expecting all my needs to be met thru this person which can be easy to do as I have grown up with that mindset. Its a life of unlearning. Its all a learning curve and I have been scared and I know that we all get scared.

I know this person wants me - its just the thought of taking it all really slowly that I find hard - I worry about how long its going to be before we can get really intimate even tho we have done that in a way. Thing is they considers what we did as really intimate and I do too but its apparent that they consider it more intimate. We have different ideas and I have found it hard to adjust to differences in that I have come from a very religious fundamentalist background where we were taught to be the same despite the obvious fact that this is an impossibility.

Perhaps slow is better. I want to focus on getting my needs met by different people and thats hard cos I wanna be with this person and I am scared that I wont be able to share them that I will want all of them. Now my counsellor said that wanting all of a person is the baby/child in us wanting the mothers totally undivided attention and I know that I can be like that. Plus this is really the first poly relationship where I am deeply in love with someone - this makes it harder to cope with in terms of them spending time with their partner. I love the idea of them being with another partner of the same sex I think thats really beautiful - I really love this and love it in general. I love to see same sex partners kiss. I am not against them having a partner I do find it hard to cope with the thought of them being with their partner all weekend and I have the weeknights via msn. I think I fall in love easily and want that physical time with a person whereas this person is very happy with the msn connection.

I am worn out by forgetting to eat and forgetting things I was slightly better yesterday I do feel a bit more at ease today altho I still feel very intense. Writing all this is good for me to do. I know that I make mountains out of molehills. I can jump to conclusions and think the worst and I have to really stop doing that. Even if this relationship ends it wont be the end of the world I will get over it. I do wonder if our energies arent matched in some way which is something my counsellor said.

I want to speak good things in my life and the amazing thing is that the two of us are such accurate fulfillment's of our visualisations. Thats kinda freaky. Sometimes I dont know what to think about that. I have been worrying about the future. I have been worrying about keeping the relationship. I have been worried about being alone. I have been worried about having nothing to do at the moment as I have no studies to take up my time. Its nice to relax but when I desperately want some physical time with this person the minutes tick by like hours.

I know that most of the things I have worried about arent true its kind of like this nervous energy that needs to be satiated. Its the ego wanting to be in control. I have worried myself sick that I dont feel like eating and forget what I am doing heaps - from this point of view I have felt like ending the relationship and removing the stress from my life. But thats not the answer this all represents deeper issues in my life. I have come a long way over the last 2-3 years as many will testify and I intend to go further. I am working on my shyness and being more courageous in making friends. I make friends better than ever now I feel more confident in myself and I am making progress to being a better adjusted person. There are lots of good things that have happened to me. I need to keep this all in perspective which is easier said than done. Its tough to keep myself busy especially when I am a laid back kind of person which is paradoxical when I am an anxious person too. Maybe I need to apply my laid back-ness to the relationship in some ways. I know that I will be alright in the long run its just getting thru now - with what seems to be a lonely time around Christmas when i have finished the school year. I need to speak out that its going to be easier than I think it will be and ignore the shadow self, the accuser that says all these things to be in control or thinks the worst of the situation.

I feel really alone in this situation even tho I can talk to my love and say whats on my mind. I am really grateful that I have good friends who I can talk to. I have just spent some time with my son who was really understanding - I dont want him to leave home just yet. I think its about my issues more than its about my relationship with this person possibly it a mixture of both. I have also wondered if I am in love with the idea of being in love or whether I just fall in love easily. I am a complex person as my love says and so are they.

I feel heaps better for talking to a friend I havent chatted to for a while. She is like a big sister to me and had lots of wisdom and said quite a few things that I already knew but we were able to talk about it in a way that I didnt feel silly about myself altho the shadow self wishes to be the accuser. We got to some practical things to do and I got some insights which is good.

I think I will be ok its just been really, really hard - it still is but I feel more positive with some help and support from friends.
mood: confusedconfused
tags: love, pain
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Why is love such a pain  
12:39am 11/12/2009
Well I have been in love for nearly three weeks now and its like been agony. I have found someone who is such a soul-mate. We have a great online relationship. The problem is that they are basically same sex attracted who hasnt been with men for 12 years who is attracted to me. Its been frustrating talking online nearly every day but not being able to meet up much. I can hear some people saying that isnt a lot of time. It is when I am waiting. The trouble has been the end of year studies let down. Suddenly there isnt the things I was doing. It felt like I suddenly had all this time to kill and wait for the opportunity to see her. Put in the fact I was talking to her every day and this seemed to pile on the agony of waiting. Especially as I am a tactile person - touch is really my first language. I can speak all day but hearing is a different thing altogether. So its natural for me to want to see and feel someone. I love engaging in all kinds of touch. So physical intimacy is very important to me. I dont just mean sex but hugs, cuddles, kisses, holding hands, touching and caressing all that sort of thing and more.

So for those that have seen me lately I have not been happy as I have fretted about this scenario where I have to be patient and I feel like I have been patient all my life and I kinda dont get why I have to wait even more.

We saw each other last Friday and it was all too much the following morning. They left abruptly and left me wondering if I'd upset them. I know that she is responsible for her feelings and yet I feel myself regressing into old habits. I felt like I had toughened up and then this relationship threw me around completely. Showed me how insecure I was and all my fears showed up big time.

Of course they love having lots of talks online and I want the person in the flesh along with all the problems associated with that. I am a bit tired of online stuff - as much as I love the text medium for my ease of communication, I also want that time in person. The problem with an online relationship is that a mental image of that person is created of all of their person not just their physical characteristics and this can lead to a illusion of what that person is like.

I have communicated all these things to them and we have good communication as far as I can see. So its just a matter of time. Thats the cruncher for me to be patient and wait for them to face their issues regarding men. Its just hard with my heart on fire its literally a burning sensation. Sometimes I think I should end the relationship and just be friends

Have talked with them yesterday and I feel better in myself for the first time in 2 weeks. Its been hard when I have been so upset and my heart feeling like its on fire, forgetting things all the time and doing the silliest things. My worry is that I feel happy when I am with them and anxious when I am not.

I am looking forward to being happier now, its not gonna be easy there are lots of things to sort out yet but I am more secure in myself and with them atm. I want to be happy within myself and I will be.
mood: confusedconfused
tags: love, pain
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The Curious Case of Benjamin Button  
03:59am 14/11/2009
I have just seen the above mentioned film and it was a beautiful story - of course I am a very empathic movie watcher and its its hard to remain unmoved by a story. I am a story lover, I adore stories and this was a simple yet complex life, it was an eloquently told story. I love the way that this is set in history as opposed to the present day or future and he has to deal with all the attitudes to society of that time.

This story stretches the imagination to think of being born old and dying as a baby. I love to be stretched and challenged in terms of ideas, concepts, culture, mindsets etc. Its a really sad story in many ways and I am left thinking of all kinds of things - like what happens to his daughter and how she deals with it all. All the pain that he has and all the joys.

I identified with his loneliness via his uniqueness and I am grateful I have friends who are deaf, bi, bi-gendered etc. Its true that nothing lasts and we do have to make the most of now. We need to say what we mean and mean what we say and we need to tell people how much they mean to us. We need to live our life to the full and and be proud of what we do and that way there can be no regrets regardless of what life we live
mood: contemplativecontemplative
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(no subject)  
08:31pm 07/11/2009
I have the song Who are you by The Who going thru my head atm. But not the original version, the shortened version that serves as the theme song/intro for the tv crime show CSI. I love the shortened version

Who are you - Who, Who, - Who, Who,
Who are you - Who, Who, - Who, Who,
I really wanna know
Tell me who are you?

Who are we?
Are we really who we think we are?
Are we the sum of what people think of us?
Or are we our own?

What do we talk about?
Does it get us to know one another?
Do we really say whats going on inside?
Is it acceptable to do so?

Or do we fear to tread deep?
And let the veil remain?

Just some of the challenges I hear in that song..
I desire to be known and to know people.
But everything has its price...
mood: contemplativecontemplative
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letting go...  
05:55pm 16/04/2009

I had tried recently to find a book of mine as I wanted to quote from it, as I was writing to a friend whom I discuss religious and spiritual ideas with. I knew I had the book; maybe it was in the garage. Maybe I had lost it in the move to my current home. Maybe I had to buy another one – I was bothered by that cos it meant spending the money all over again. I couldn’t find the book, disgruntled I gave up and sought to express my thoughts in a different way.  Later in the week I chatted to a friend online and this dear friend said to keep an eye out for a parcel in the next two weeks but didn’t say what was going to be in the parcel. Well one day it was sitting by my door when I went to check the mail. What was in this? I opened it to find my missing book and a beautiful orange throw rug which she had included by way of thanks. I was rapt with the rug and pleased that she had kept the book in such good order. I’d completely forgotten that I’d lent it to her.

Later I picked up the book and read the first couple of pages again and went not much further than I had the last time I read it. The book is Living Buddha, Living Christ, by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Priest and well known Buddhist and interfaith writer. He spoke of not clinging too tightly to what we believe. In a flash I understood a lot of my issues were to do with hanging on too tightly to what I have experienced (good and bad), what I have learnt and my values, attitudes, prejudices and much more. I had been hearing and listening to my inner self talking about the need to let go and it makes a lot of sense now in the very practical way that Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of.

It seems to me that life is about unlearning as opposed to learning. If we didn’t learn the wrong way first then we could spend a much more productive life. But would that deny us our journey in this life? Perhaps certain things can't be learned unless other things are unlearned first?  Do we need to empty in order to fill? What happens after that do we unlearn again to relearn – do we empty yet again to be refilled again? It's an interesting question. Some people fill once and that's it they won't allow themselves to go any further which is sad cos they are often stagnant and dying spiritually or psychologically. It seems as if life is about a balance of the two - learning and unlearning. Letting go so we can receive.

Fascinating... - as Mr Spock would say

mood: pensivepensive
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11:35am 21/03/2009
This seems to be such a recurring thing in my life. Thing is we have all been taught to believe what we see and hear right? Well not everything that we see and hear is correct . We can watch a magician perform an illusion but does this mean it is real? Of course not. However if we go around doubting everything we see or hear we will end up in those one-size-fits-all white jackets and carted of to the nearest psych hospital.

I am Deaf - I have been taught to rely on hearing aids for the most part and I have also relied hugely on facial expression and body language. Naturally the last 2 come with the territory. Now I love IRC, msn, email, sms - anything visual - this means I dont have to try hard to hear - I can see whats said - beautiful, easy, relaxing etc. But I cant see their faces and this presents a problem. However I seem to be fairly adept at picking up moods even when only type is used with no emoticons.

I am also a pretty sensitive person - I hate the slightest bit of contention as I feel attacked or I feel like the situation is becoming too negatively charged and I get quite overwhelmed in these situations. I also tend to think the worst all too easily - I am getting better at this. I used to worry about someone at a party getting up and moving away from me and I would go though all sorts of scenarios - blaming myself of course.

Keep in mind I grew up with a very lonely childhood and a fairly lonely adulthood even tho people were around me. Probably due to not handling my sensitivity and my deafness well - I had no role models, I made lots of mistakes and I equated being deaf with stupidity - that I was somehow a child of a lesser god. I equated sensitivity with being weak and un-masculine. I couldnt understand why I had to be such a sissy - I actually loathed this part of me.

I had a misunderstanding online last nite and it got sorted out in the end. I felt attacked - that my pov was always wrong. The other person said they werent doing that. Their personality has been affected by deep depression and they are also a person who is very much who stands up for the truth and isnt afraid to back down from it. They can be fairly contentious in my view but is that me being sensitive - probably - and I think that the person also is not entirely the sort of person that I gel with - because of the negativity that I sense from them. I know that isnt directed at me, but I lost sight of that last night and got angry about that cos I felt like I was being lectured. Had the convo been face to face woould it have made any difference? I am not sure and I know that it isnt allways my fault - I tend to jump to that conclusion quite easily and I have been learning not to arrive at that conclusion so quickly. Yet my intuition and sensitivity tend to serve me well in judging where a person is at and they may not realise how they are or how they affect other people.

I realise I can be kinda desperate in wanting ppl to connect with - I have had enough of being lonely and I love the people I connect with - but I hate negative waves - and I realise that its prolly why this person has no physical friends to interact with. I know exactly how that feels and I try to be a friend but I realise I may have to limit my time that I spend with them to avoid their impact on me and yet they deserve a friend imho. So its not all me they are part of the equation and I need to be careful that I am not being a problem solver. After all they do have a psychology degree so its like impossible to reason with them - its not worth the effort. Besides I am not on this planet to argue or make waves - I wanna connect with people - maybe I am connecting with a person thats not the right sort of person for me to connect with. Thats sad cos I like all kinds of people.

I dont wanna doubt what I hear and see all the  time I have enough problems believing what I hear as it is - it does drive me crazy - it wears me out - I dont wanna be wrong anymore. Thats part of what it was about last night. It was part of my daily dose during my marriage - I losyt a lot of self esteem during those 21 years. I am really grateful for ppl who I have relationshiops with and who I am friends with are so upporting and understading. I am learning to use my sensitivity with my intuition to guid me in picking the people that I should spend time with.

I mean I feel like I have been drawing situations of abuse, or is it just my sensivity? I remember early this year I spent some time with a friend interstate and it was like in a similar vein - I felt attacked - I felt like what right did that person have to say the things they did about myself and my deafness and other areas of my life as i did not invite them to be a mentor. I do know that by having less self esteem I wanted to be told what to do in the past. Perhaps this is still being lived out still. It put me in a situation where I was abused in the past. I was brainwashed by church. It seems to come back to the early messages - do I still want to be told that I am stupid or weak - am I looking for what I am familiar with as I move away from my past of loneliness and unhappiness - like withdrawal symptoms perhaps??

I am trying to accept that I am sensitive and that this means I will have a rollercoaster ride emotionally. I am tired of such extremes of emotion - its like the higher I go the further I fall - yet I want happiness and love and touch and more. Its NOT wrong to want those things - I struggle with that too. I have had this core belief that I couldnt have anything good cos this was what happened to hearing people not deaf ppl.

I am so aware of myself its painful and mind boggling - and there is a cost to every path - the price of self awareness is self awarness. Ok I think I haver covered what I wanted to say. Comments are welcome :-)
mood: confusedconfused
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recent happenings and a quiet revolution  
04:19pm 18/03/2009
This a little late but I enjoyed my weekend with the possible exception of my ex's birthday on the Friday nite.  That was ruined by some comments  and pushing about my sons car and insurance - hardly the stuff of birthday celebrations. But Sat nite was good talking to a fellow who was in a similar situation to me in regards to discovering his bisexuality. Having hugs and snogs with people which is tremendously important - to me affection is incredibly vital. Less cranky this last few days lol. Sunday was fab in that I finally got to meet up with someone who I'd tried to set up a meeting a few times before and YAY :-D finally we meet and she is a nice lady of similar age and we will see how it all goes. She is American and has kids works and studies so I wonder how much time she has. We got on pretty well, the nerves disappeared fairly soon. Her voice is easy to follow for the most part. I wasnt expecting American but at the same time it makes things more interesting.

Finally I can hang up my taxi gear as my son has his licence. WOO HOO what a relief - I know I will prolly miss carting him around in a way but it is a sheer relief to not have msn convos  or studies interrupted or to have to keep asking what time he starts school in the morning. Another good development is that he has been told by NICA that VCE is very essential to the BA of Circus Arts so he is taking things more seriously which I am pleased to see. YAY again :-) I have transferred my old car to him and its in his name and he is the owner and takes sole responsibility for it. He is growin up sigh....

Spoke with my TAFE counsellor today and we get on well we are both very similar as we share the same Myers-Briggs type and she has been on a similar journey in her life even though she is straight and hearing - we have lots of similarities in common. I talked about where I am at in my life with Poly and Bi and my life in general. I remembered what the counsellor said 2 weeks before which kinda rocked me - she pointed out that my ex was most likely threatened by my learning and expanding and spending time with friends of the opposite sex as it all most likely represented the threat of myself leaving her for other pursuits or other women. I did know this but I saw it on a new level altogether. It kinda made sense the type of person she was who wanted to dominate so that i couldnt wander too far. I am sure that my ex doesnt realise the extent of this. She just saw it as natural behaviour to be jealous, that I was doing all the things that were wrong. I realise that much more than my sexuality was repressed it was the whole of me that was treated that way. Unless it was time spent with a guy it was off limits in her eyes. I was quite resentful that I couldnt have friends - I didnt want to shag them all - I simply wanted to connect with people and I couldnt do it with her cos she dominated the conversation. I guess I am still angry about it all. Yet it was as I went along in my marriage that I realised that I was in a trap - a prison no less.  To be fair I allowed these things to happen and I didnt stand up for myself much as I had very little self esteem and I sought to survive by not rocking the boat but this didnt work for very long. I wanted to experience lots of people at different levels. Or was it just a thing of not having had my adolescence like 'normal' people do - I think that my ex feels thats what it is and that I will find myself empty at some point down the road. To be honest that does worry me a little. I dont want to be left high and dry in my old age. I am learning that I as I am me - truly me I will draw the people that are like me to me. I have seen that as I have gone thru the separation and come out the other end 2 years later.

I am also conscious that I am doing very well as being involved with the poly community has allowed me to grow at a faster pace than I probably would have as a mono community member. I am grateful for where I am altho I am very much up and down at the moment. I am conscious that as my self esteem and confidence grows the huge drops in my emotional self will become less - thank goodness I couldnt cope with such varying levels of emotion. Its hard to be strong when I am not - I dont feel strong and yet people say that I have strength and even I recognise it - its like courage is not the absence of fear, perhaps strength is not the absence of weakness as cryptic as that sounds. I so wanna be in a place where I am quite comfortable with who I am yet I cannot deprive myself of the journey. Its happening -a quiet revolution is taking place....
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
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its his life isnt it - no.2  
09:42am 13/03/2009
its been a while since I posted. Just found out that my gorgeous klaktu is an lj-er too yay! :-D

Its been a fairly good week with my son actually endeavouring to get up for himself and making an effort and being at school on time 3 out of 4 days this week which is a significant improvement that was badly needed due to his status in regards to failing subjects - altho he still has a bit of a way to go imho he is still very much laid back and doesnt like thinking ahead at all - its all on the spur of the moment and I undetrstand that as I like to be easy going yet spontaneous too. How much do I do ? It is his life not mine but I dont want to see him wreck his life. On the other hand its annoying getting up and finding him refusing to go to school. But I understand his frustration when he when he would rather be doing a circus degree. Of course NICA (National Institute of Circus Arts)has pointed out that VCE would be a feather in his cap. The BA of Circus Arts is not all physical training  there is an academic component too. Yes it is his life and its frustrating to see him lose sight of the bigger picture and I know its normal for a guy of his age to be like he is. Yet he is quite fortunate - he does know what he wants to do, he just cant do it quite just yet and he is very much an active person this choice of career is a good one - he would really hate being in an office or or a factory. I know he will come good, he will learn when he needs to. Its just frustrating to watch from the sidelines.
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
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Its an 'aha' moment  
04:53am 20/02/2009
My ex and I were talking about the recent heat wave that killed her rat. Initially she blamed herself for leaving 'Ray' and going to work and by the time she got home Ray was dead. However on the w/e she went to this animal show at Caulfield and met a lady that sold and kept and bred rats. She was able to show my ex that rats are a very short term pet and that she was fortunate to get the near 1.5 years that she got from Ray. She told my ex that she has many dead rats and she puts a plant in a pot with each dead rat she has and it was a beautiful thing.

However I got a sense of the order of things - that change is imminent - that we accept what changes and we move on. Especially in regard to relationships. I have a very deeply embedded cultural mindset of monogamy and everything that usually comes with it. I have known that if we cling to the certainty that monogamy attempts to provide, we will most likely be disappointed as our partner will prove fallible and the exalted position that we may have placed that partner comes crashing to the ground and our image of our partner is shattered. Monogamy can lend itself to that scenario where the significant other is the entire fulfillment of our wants, needs, desires etc on every level. Conceptually I think it is immoral to place that kind of burden upon someone, and yet I find myself inevitably thinking in a mono mold expecting the kinds of things that would be expected in a traditional monogamous situation. This is conflicting with what my beliefs say and what my cultural upbringing and my past religious training. Its really difficult to move forward on this. Especially when I have been taught that relationships are meant to be long lasting - till death do us part sort of thing. I know this is a cultural construct but it seems to influence most of us pretty much and we have this desire to be bonded to a life partner or a long term partner of some sort.

Last night however, I really got a sense of the whole - the big picture - change is the only constant - like the many rats that can die in our care so it can be with relationships. It doesnt mean that anything is necessarily wrong its just that change is natural and should be accepted as a part of our life and that partners can come and go. I think that I have applied a monogamous mindset to a polyamourous situation and its also about learning independence, loving oneself, having a relationship with oneself as the mainstay of our existence that we are complete in ourselves and we dont need another person to complete us. Its great to have others to add to our lives but not to cling to them as our life line. Cos if we do, down we go when they fail.

I have been taught to create a life around other people and I have been moving away from this way of thinking but I am now realising in a deeper way what it means and its not that we are cold independent people but we build on a base that is going to serve us for the rest of our lives. The thing is that as a deaf/HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) I was a person that didnt fit neatly into our society that is geared to the hearing and extroverted. I got a lot of messages early on and it wasnt so much what people said but the way they behaved. I learned that deaf =dumb and that deaf kids were 'Children of a lesser God'. Thats what I learned in England in the 60's and Australia in the 70's. Now this isnt true but thats how I perceived it. I also was introverted and in the 60's and 70's introversion was seen as a faulty trait never mind being a HSP.

So I was on my own pretty much all of my school days. I was happy with my own company - there was no one to hurt me or make me feel bad about myself - I retreated into my own world. As a HSP that was par for the course but my wounds drove me there quicker and more often. I didnt have much in the way of relationships and it was sporadic at best. I also had bullying as I was an easy target. Kids that would pretend to be friends and then bully me - I soon learned not to trust people at all. So I became a very deprived person in terms of love, affection, friendship etc, and was pretty desperate for these things but had not much luck in this way.

So given this scenario I am not surprised that I could be clingy - badly wanting those things and I did get them in my marriage to some extent but not in the way that I needed or wanted. Of course the mono mold said that it was ok to do this with a partner but I wanted more than what my wife of  21 years could give (suffice it to say she had her own issues and beliefs that were rather different to mine). I felt unloved and I felt like my needs weren't met and I had all these illusions that she should meet all those things

I should have realised that this wasnt working long before I left and I was desperate to get what I could and I was prepared to do anything I could to get that love, attention, sex, affection etc. I was in a position where I allowed myself to be abused so that I could gain those moments that I needed. I got married for sex - not a very good reason to get married I know. But in the light of my religious beliefs at the time it was the only way and I was desperate. So this formed a happy union with my thoughts, my cultural upbringing and my outlook on life. I didnt want my marriage to my wife to end. It was the end of the things I needed and I was very threatened buy this. 

It was during this time I got to be with the people that I wanted to be with  - people that were more open minded about life and relationships. These people were bi and they were often polyamorous. This began a huge transition in terms of accepting my sexuality and myself as a person. This went against all that I was and had been - especially from a religious point of view but also a cultural point of view too. Its been a heckuva journey and it is by no means finished. I am growing in understanding of myself and other people, relationships and much more.

Its still hard to accept change but I think its gonna be a bit easier now....I am more in love with me and it shows - I am trying to make my life a life that is more stable and I am so grateful for the friends that have provided their support. I was told that every thing has a beginning and an end by a friend 2-3 years ago and I was saddened by this - I didnt see why it had end I didnt want it to end - whatever I was enjoying. I am more accepting of this now. Its the natural order of things. I say this with a new understanding and conviction that deepens and strengthens my soul - I feel connected to this time and place. I also feel less fearful about my own death. I seem to have a kind of peace about it. Sigh...
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