I wake up after talking to a friend online last night and felt good for about 20 seconds until I thought of my love again. Why does this person evoke such a bodily and mental reaction. I literally tremble and feel very nervous. I am fine when I take my mind of them and I feel like I have to literally push them out of my mind and consciously focus on something else.
Last night I spoke to someone about learning to distance my thoughts and its really difficult to do this with my thoughts about them. Like while I am writing this I feel really nervous in my arms and my whole body but especially in my heart and arms and legs and I'm concentrating on writing and that helps to shift my focus somewhat. I am doing this as a concerted effort to tune in to something else.
I spoke to this friend about where I was at and we talked about strategies to distance oneself from ones thoughts. I was so focused on all this while I was talking to them that I was really fine and happy. My focus had shifted.
I feel like this is really touching the issues that I have felt unloved and its really has been getting some airplay in my mind and my counsellor suggested a while back that the reason I might be dealing with this is that I am actually ready to deal with it.
I am actually being loved deeply by this person and its been hard to accept. I have always been a deeply feeling person and for that reason its hard to deal with being overwhelmed - not impossible but it does make it mentally exhausting. I have upped my meds and I feel like I wanna up them again.
This person has another partner and I have also felt neglected in the physical sense as they have spent more time with them of late and my relationship hasnt been fully realised we have only spent a night together. I appreciate I am the new kid on the block as it were and it takes time to organise time together. I know that its going to work out in the long run I just want to be with this person as I adore spending time with them. I also feel that its about my self esteem and insecurities.
Just feeling better as I focus on this - not as nervous - in a way its like I am distancing by looking at this analytically.
Its been hard as we have talked of sexual and sensual things we'd like to do and then its like this person is more reserved in person. Yet we woke in the night and had a lovely time being sensual with one another but they have expressed that wasnt what they would normally do on a first date. This had me thinking they want to cut back even further in terms of touch and that is me panicking and thinking that we wont be able to do anything. We have a really deep connection emotionally and mentally and spiritually. We both came from the same church that devastated us both although we werent involved with each other at that stage. I did have a crush on them at that stage tho.
This person has pointed out that cos I moved many times (I went to 7 primary schools and I was a very shy person and it took me ages to work up the courage to make friends - plus I was deaf and that didnt help when I was amongst so many hearing people that could converse effortlessly) that its no wonder I often think of my relationships being whisked away at any moment. I think they have a point there. Also I didnt have many friends I was picked on and bullied and coming from England I didnt understand the culture of Australia at that stage. I felt that all the stirring and teasing was very cruel - I took it personally in a big way especially as I was being picked on and bullied in conjunction with that - I just associated it all with the same thing. I realise I was a target cos of the way I was - unfortunately I couldnt help being who I was as a child. My parents didnt know how to deal with a deaf kid and they didnt know I was so emotionally volatile that simple things upset me so. Being a HSP - (Highly Sensitive Person) isnt easy for me I wish I could be less uptight.
I guess I am having trouble relaxing with this relationship its different to anything I have had and and I feel like I am working so hard to make sure I dont lose it and I know I have to settle down. I think that as time goes on it will get better. I am speaking that into being as a visualisation. Saying what I want. I also have to keep in mind that as much as we have a deep connection things may not work out and I will have to accept that if that arises. Its bumpy at the moment and I am the sort of person that doesnt like arguments and I know thats less likely to happen as we both are HSP.
Its such and emotional time I have needed hugs and cuddles and I am appreciative of those that can give me this.
I also think I need to have another partner that I can balance myself out with so that it puts this relationship into perspective so that I am not sitting around waiting for them to be free for me. This is the thing too its like we have both held back and also we have been so deeply in conversation we forget to organise things. We both love deep conversation and its easy to get lost in that. I also think I want another person so that I am not expecting all my needs to be met thru this person which can be easy to do as I have grown up with that mindset. Its a life of unlearning. Its all a learning curve and I have been scared and I know that we all get scared.
I know this person wants me - its just the thought of taking it all really slowly that I find hard - I worry about how long its going to be before we can get really intimate even tho we have done that in a way. Thing is they considers what we did as really intimate and I do too but its apparent that they consider it more intimate. We have different ideas and I have found it hard to adjust to differences in that I have come from a very religious fundamentalist background where we were taught to be the same despite the obvious fact that this is an impossibility.
Perhaps slow is better. I want to focus on getting my needs met by different people and thats hard cos I wanna be with this person and I am scared that I wont be able to share them that I will want all of them. Now my counsellor said that wanting all of a person is the baby/child in us wanting the mothers totally undivided attention and I know that I can be like that. Plus this is really the first poly relationship where I am deeply in love with someone - this makes it harder to cope with in terms of them spending time with their partner. I love the idea of them being with another partner of the same sex I think thats really beautiful - I really love this and love it in general. I love to see same sex partners kiss. I am not against them having a partner I do find it hard to cope with the thought of them being with their partner all weekend and I have the weeknights via msn. I think I fall in love easily and want that physical time with a person whereas this person is very happy with the msn connection.
I am worn out by forgetting to eat and forgetting things I was slightly better yesterday I do feel a bit more at ease today altho I still feel very intense. Writing all this is good for me to do. I know that I make mountains out of molehills. I can jump to conclusions and think the worst and I have to really stop doing that. Even if this relationship ends it wont be the end of the world I will get over it. I do wonder if our energies arent matched in some way which is something my counsellor said.
I want to speak good things in my life and the amazing thing is that the two of us are such accurate fulfillment's of our visualisations. Thats kinda freaky. Sometimes I dont know what to think about that. I have been worrying about the future. I have been worrying about keeping the relationship. I have been worried about being alone. I have been worried about having nothing to do at the moment as I have no studies to take up my time. Its nice to relax but when I desperately want some physical time with this person the minutes tick by like hours.
I know that most of the things I have worried about arent true its kind of like this nervous energy that needs to be satiated. Its the ego wanting to be in control. I have worried myself sick that I dont feel like eating and forget what I am doing heaps - from this point of view I have felt like ending the relationship and removing the stress from my life. But thats not the answer this all represents deeper issues in my life. I have come a long way over the last 2-3 years as many will testify and I intend to go further. I am working on my shyness and being more courageous in making friends. I make friends better than ever now I feel more confident in myself and I am making progress to being a better adjusted person. There are lots of good things that have happened to me. I need to keep this all in perspective which is easier said than done. Its tough to keep myself busy especially when I am a laid back kind of person which is paradoxical when I am an anxious person too. Maybe I need to apply my laid back-ness to the relationship in some ways. I know that I will be alright in the long run its just getting thru now - with what seems to be a lonely time around Christmas when i have finished the school year. I need to speak out that its going to be easier than I think it will be and ignore the shadow self, the accuser that says all these things to be in control or thinks the worst of the situation.
I feel really alone in this situation even tho I can talk to my love and say whats on my mind. I am really grateful that I have good friends who I can talk to. I have just spent some time with my son who was really understanding - I dont want him to leave home just yet. I think its about my issues more than its about my relationship with this person possibly it a mixture of both. I have also wondered if I am in love with the idea of being in love or whether I just fall in love easily. I am a complex person as my love says and so are they.
I feel heaps better for talking to a friend I havent chatted to for a while. She is like a big sister to me and had lots of wisdom and said quite a few things that I already knew but we were able to talk about it in a way that I didnt feel silly about myself altho the shadow self wishes to be the accuser. We got to some practical things to do and I got some insights which is good.
I think I will be ok its just been really, really hard - it still is but I feel more positive with some help and support from friends.